
“I’ve built us a story to live in,” he said.
“But I don’t like you much,” she replied.
The little man looked smug as If expecting this. “No matter – you will in the story.”
“In any case,” she said, “it’s impossible – I promised Albert to be in his play.”
“Pah! Bert! The boy’s plots are sound, but the characterisation is weak. You’ll end up thin and wasted.”
Arms folded, she glared, foot beating out a rhythm of unease.
“There’s a beach,” he wheedled, certain of wearing her down. “I’ve hired the summer. And you’ll never grow old.”
Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge set by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.
Fancy sharpening your skill with writing exercises? The Scrivener’s Forge offers a new exercise every month to hone one aspect of your craft. Take a look at this month’s exercise here
I love this Neil! It’s so refreshing. Could read lots more about these two.
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Thanks Louise. I enjoyed writing this
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You can tell. I very much enjoyed reading it 😃
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I don’t like this Neil…..I love it….made me smile this morning especially as I’m off to Spain tomorrow…can you build me a story please? Xxxxx
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Thanks Yvonne. I’m glad it brought you a smile. Have a great time in Spain
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What a beautiful line: “I’ve built us a story to live in,” he said.I love this and really hope he gets his girl!
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Thanks Clare. And thanks for rooting for him, even if he is a bit creepy
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Creepy – yes, but he is trying to do something lovely!
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He’s won me over. I’ll be in that story like a shot!
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Thanks Edith. The little man will be pleased
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I hope I’m not a bad judge of character. I didn’t see him as creepy!
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the little man who comes ot life in your head is different from the one in mine. every story has as many versions as there are readers
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This is wonderful. Sounds a lot like the conversations I’m havung with my characters in my head.
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Yeah, it’s a fairly self-indulgent writerly story
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That was my thought as well — a conversation with one of my characters. Although I would hope that none of them would reply the way she did: that they don’t like me!
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None of my characters like me. I torture them too much
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Ha, good point! Maybe I need to be meaner to mine.
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😀 I usually get this message: what do you know, go away.
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I usually get the message, “You can’t make me. Na-na-na.”
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Excellent. Building a story to live in. I love that.
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Thanks so much
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As others have said ‘I’ve built you a story’ is a brilliant line, what a lovely idea. Excellent work.
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Thanks Iain
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Wow, what a great story! Loved it.
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Thanks so much
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Dear Neil,
It sounds like he’s building the story as he goes. Clever man. He had me at the beach.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle. Perhaps we’re all stories we tell ourselves and other people
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That first line stands as a story in itself. Nice work
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Thanks so much
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First line said it all! In love with this guy. I wish he gets that girl. 🙂
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Thanks so much
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I’m afraid I found the situation to be a little on the creepy side. Maybe because he is a ‘little man’ and he wheedles. Made me think of Suddenly Last Summer.
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I’d intended him to be creepy, but others have different little men in their heads
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You hit it on the nail then for me. Glad I wasn’t disliking him unfairly.
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Now where’s that beach? I need to stay young😉 Loved the story?
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Thanks Michael. The beach is on page 69
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Wow this is an amazing piece!
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Thanks so much, Dahlia
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Courting a woman to be in your story. Interesting way to think about it.
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Thanks, James
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I have nothing to add to the previous comments, Neil, this is quite wonderful.
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I’ll gladly take “quite wonderful”. Thank you
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What else can anyone say? You nailed it. Cheers.
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Thanks so much
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Characters can really take on a life of their own, can’t they? I love the perspective you took here. A character outside a story. Well done, Neil.
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Thanks so much
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This was absolutely wonderful, Neil! I loved the exchange between the two and could have sat through pages and pages of it! But, we’re only allowed 100 words… sigh…
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Thanks so much, Dale
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“I hired the summer and you will never grow old,” not sure if that’s a gift or a curse. As usual, I loved the story and the writing.
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Thanks. Isn’t every curse a gift if used right? And vice versa?
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So much truth in such a small sentence. 🙂
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I wouldn’t mind a man building a story for me – but it would have to be the right man and the right story. I wonder if either of these are right for her? Lively, refreshing take on the prompt, Neil. Lovely work
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Thanks so much Lynn
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My pleasure 🙂
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Brilliant. Love the idea of luring characters and hiring the elements. I wonder what it took to get the beach.
Just brilliant.
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Intense milling of rock. Thanks, Magaly
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😀
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Gorgeously uplifting. I saw no creepiness in the little man. But, then, you know him better than I do. Thanks for the fairytale smile.
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I’m glad he’s creating controversy. He would enjoy it, if he knew
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Brilliant use… love this, especially the last line.
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Thanks, Bjorn
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I’d like to see this intriguing story built up further too!
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Thanks, Rommy
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I really loved this, Neil. Excellent with a dream-like quality, which I guess has been described as creepy by some of the others. I was intrigued by your reference to “the little man” and who it refers to. The muse? It made me think of a leprechaun. It’s also a term of endearment we use for young sons in Australia: “our little man”.
xx Rowena
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Oh nothing so subtle, I’m afraid. The little man is just the writer
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I see. Perhaps, the effect was sub-consciously subtle. It even caught you out!
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Aha! Lovely. Good luck to him. I think he’s wearing her down… besides… the play will exhaust her!
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Thanks, Laurie
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Wow. ‘And you’ll never grow old.’ What a great line to end this fantastic story. One of my favourites.
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Thanks so much. I’m thrilled to be a favourite
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I built a story for C.E. and Dale to live in, but neither seem too comfortable there. He would have rather enjoyed murder mystery and she was longing for a romance. Some characters you just can’t please in 100 words.
Maybe your character doesn’t understand that when we “stop growing old” we’re dead. I loved the concept of this piece. Excellent work, Neil.
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Thanks so much Rusell. Oh, and Sherlock Holmes isn’t dead. He’s still there in 221b Baker Street shooting up and playing his violin.
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This is GOOD, Neil. Leans toward the poetic, yet has the literary qualities. Sensational work this week!
Five out of five sunshine and sunny beaches!
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Wow! Thanks, William
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It sounds like a nice idea, but I can’t help thinking it’s some kind of trap (I read too much fantasy/sci-fi!).
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Only in the sense that it may be a trap made of human arms
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I loved it from the very first line. Great story!
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Thanks so much
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Persistent man. I am sure I sense a sinister note in his statement of never growing old! But that’s just my suspicions wreaking havoc. He must be nice, for all I know.
Well written!
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Not so much sinister as a little creepy, in my view. But some readers have rooted for him
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Great concept, but personally I wouldn’t be tempted by eternal youth. and what guarantee is there that he’ll improve on the beach?
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I’m with you, but I guess it would depend how much she let him rewrite her
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Brilliant. There is so much to love about this piece, from well chosen words, to the writing, to the characters, to what is left unsaid. Some how I find this a very romantic piece although it could be read as a dark piece.
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Thanks so much. What a lovely comment
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I hate summer. Lovely story.
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Thanks, Tamal
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I love the first line and the last line too. And everything in between, actually. It gave me chills.
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Thanks so much, Louise
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Sounds like a story worth living in. Nice one, Neil!
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Thanks, Dawn
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I love the opening line! Nice story Neil.
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Thanks, Fatima
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The story made me smile. That being said, I think this girl is going to have to decide if that guy is a harmless Walter Mitty, or larking about, or something far more sinister.
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Thanks, Sarah
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Brilliant! I am in a story too. A new one that too 🙂
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Thanks. Some would say we’re all stories
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That last line is a sure clincher for a woman!
He sure knew how to ensnare her!
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Thanks
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I love this! What a fanciful, wonderful idea.
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Thanks, Sascha
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I love the idea of building a story to live in, it’s very positive and involves taking control of your destiny. Of course you need the willingness of others to be involved in the story but if the story is right, they’ll come. I didn’t see him as creepy but as someone wanting to go the extra mile and create something beautiful, even if that may be delusional. I could go on because I think the idea has so much within it, it forces thoughts and ideas out of the reader. The possibilities are there that a group of people could sit round with a drink discussing late into the night.
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Thanks, Michael. I am, of course, delighted by the idea that I may have written something thought provoking
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Aaahh the life of a fictional character.
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It’s all a lie… cough… a tale of fiction revealing truths hidden. Is there a long piece using these characters? A short story maybe. I think this is the kind of thing Kerry likes in her Short Story Competition.
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No, I don’t think it merits a longer version
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Oh. Ah well.
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