She lay beside him, sleeping. The respirator of her chest rattled as it rose and fell, the breath rasping alien through sunken tubes. In terror, he believed he heard a mechanical hum and then a click at the end of every in-breath.
Beyond the fevered bedroom, the church clock struck thirteen.
Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge set by Rochelle Wisoff Fields to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.
Fancy sharpening your skill with writing exercises? The Scrivener’s Forge offers a new exercise every month to hone one aspect of your craft. Take a look at this month’s exercise on point of view.
Neil MacDonald Author 
Dear Neil
In military time the clock does strike 13. 😉 Couldn’t help myself. Actually that line was the exclamation point to a poignant story.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle. I’m afraid I’m exploring psychosis at the moment, so expect lots of these stories for the next few weeks
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True, but it would be expressed “Oh thirteen hours” rather than “the clock struck thirteen.”
I was imagining the man believing his wife was an actual alien or robot.
Toward the end of my Dad’s life when he was quite ill, my Mom would periodically awaken throughout the night to make sure she could hear him breathing.
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Yes, that’s exactly what he’s imagining
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So much said in so few words – well within the word limit!
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I didn’t think it needed more. Thanks, Clare
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It didn’t!
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Sounds like something straight out of a horror film. Good one.
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Thanks so much
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A clock striking 13 is ominous, whatever the situation.
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Thanks, Iain
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\thirteen, unlucky for some. Nice one.
Click to read my FriFic!
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Thanks, Keith
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Fantastic description of the respirator – that mechanical click. Well done, Neil
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Thanks, Lynn
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My pleasure Neil
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Very short and very powerful. Well done.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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Thanks, Susan
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Fantastic work Neil. Sound is often a sense I forget to use in my writing to good effect, but here I think it’s imagining the sounds of the respirator that really takes me into the story.
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Thanks so much
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Gritty and ominous!
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Thanks
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It didn’t need more words. It takes a degree of self-control, I think, to stop when the picture has been painted.
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As a lifelong grunter, brevity comes naturally to me
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Succint, and leaving a clear picture. Well done.
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Thanks so much
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It must be terrifying when you start to imagine such things about those close to you. I hope he realised in time that he needed medical help with his hallucinations. You used auditory hallucinations brilliantly, and what a clever use of the clock striking thirteen. It didn’t, of course – clocks don’t – so he must be hallucinating. Lovely, skilful, succinct writing.
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Thanks, Penny
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There is a clock in Goole with thirteen numbers. Spooky story!
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Thanks, Liz
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Wow. Short and sharp. A hard moment in time
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Thanks, Laurie
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Oh, the sound of a respirator is haunting. I can’t decide if she is on one or his night terrors has created the sound because she is and alien (or they are alienated.) Thank you for engaging my imagination.
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In my mind, he’s imagining his partner’s perfectly normal breathing is alien and artificial
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A desperate shift in reality! A stunning piece of writing. Very thought-provoking.
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That’s high praise. Thanks, Edith
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Yes very thought provoking. The first paragraph could be taken in a couple of ways at least and that clock striking 13 you had to follow the way that I, at least, had discarded. This was a very effective way of making the story frightening.
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Thanks, Irene
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This was perfect, Neil. Absolutely well done.
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Wow! Perfect? Thanks Varad
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Indeed. So much content in so few words equals perfection.
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Hi Neil, I really like this. Although it’s got a real horror feel to it, the reader or perhaps I should say, this reader tried to hand out to a plausible, rational version of events, they’re in a hospital, she’s been in intensive care recently etc. Anyway looking forward to more psychosis
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Thanks, Rachel. The psychosis will come to an end soon when I’ve worked it through,
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I wonder how long she has been in this state.
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I think it’s him who’s in the state.
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Sorry, I got it wrong . 🙂
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You didn’t get it wrong. You just have a different reading
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Love the end… really a great twist.
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Thanks, Bjorn
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Spooky overtones with this one.
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Thanks, Dawn
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Everyone said what I could say… short, scary (to me) and gave me chills
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Thanks, Dale
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Neil, you are really good at writing the FFFictioneers. And, I always enjoy your offering to it. Great!
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Thanks so much, Nan
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I like where you cut this one off. Enough said. Well done.
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Thanks, Russell
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The disconnect between thought and emotion feels real here.
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Thanks, Kelvin
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You instantly transported me to the bedside!
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Thanks, Dahlia
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It’s scary. I’ve checked older loved ones for breathing while they sleep. I’m sure many due. Good writing, Neil. —- Suzanne
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Thanks, Suzanne
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