Cranes march across the horizon like a slur of notes, ending in a deformed quaver. The last note might be somehow iconic, but the sun-dancing waves create a mask of light and Pascal is unable to recognise the piece. He clutches the scuffed violin case to him, lest it and his fortunes tumble into the pitching water. The ocean is very big. Yet he is also very big.
Chattering passengers crowd the rails, counting down their time to arrival. Pascal’s clock continues forward, the days elongating since leaving Elise.
His heart breaking, he shuffles forward to be processed.
Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.
Neil MacDonald Author 
Pretty cool, Neil. This has elegance and class. Real first rate story and made me want to hear more.. Bravo!
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Thanks, William. You know, I think this is a pretty pedestrian story, saved by some wordcraft
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Such a huge story in so few words. Masterfully done, I too want more.
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Thanks. I’m quite disappointed with it. But what do I know?
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You shouldn’t be.
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Why? It’s beautifully written. My favourite this week so far.
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Dear Neil,
This feels like the intro to a bigger story. I love the descriptions and my heart always belongs to a violinist.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle
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Nice rhythm here, Neil. Ellis Island has been done to death, so it’s a challenge to make it at all fresh. I like the wordplay here.
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Yeah, I shouldn’t have done Ellos Island at all – it was lazy writing
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Thanks. I shouldn’t have done Ellis Island at all – it was lazy
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I like how you use the Statue as the iconic last note.
Clever writing.
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There’s a whole life history packed into this tiny story. Lovely!
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Thanks Claire
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The description is beautiful and the first line is superb.
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Thanks Dahlia
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You set the mood so very well. I agree, this sounds like the beginning of a gripping story.
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Thanks so much
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I to liked your opening sentences. Mike
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Thanks Mike
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I liked the first line – very original. Ellis Island, maybe not so, but I still enjoyed it.
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You’re right. Doing an Ellis Island story was lazy
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Somehow I see an arrival where we expect hope, but there are many cases when it could be a tragedy as well
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He never really wanted to emigrate and leave his people nehind
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Interpretation as departure rather than as arrival is fresh and poignant.
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Yeah. I guess. But it was a bit “easy” and formulaic. I’m not very pleased with this one.
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I love this.
A sad scene.
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Thanks so much
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What a terrific story! Love the musician seeing notes in the cranes and him counting up as everyone else counts down, all for the love of Elise. A truly lovely piece in so very few words. 🙂
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Thanks Lynn
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🙂
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You seem a bit down on this story, Neil. Yes, Ellis Island isn’t original, but is any story truly original? As an aside I’d never tell people I’m disappointed with a story I’d written. Let them be the judge. If you truly don’t like it then I wouldn’t post it. Chin up!
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Yes I don’t think this was my best. It was a tad mechanical. On the other hand, Picasso said he often painted fakes
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I think this is a pretty pedestrian story, saved by some wordcraft And that’s what storytelling is or we wouldn’t BE storytellers. This is a beautiful story.
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Thanks Alicia
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I think you created the scene very well. The ‘scuffed violin case’ and ‘shuffling to be processed’ build a vivid picture.
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Thanks Clare
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The photo was predictable but your writing wasn’t. I liked it.
Tracey
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Thanks, Tracey. I still feel I took an easy route with it, and I shouldn’t have done
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Move on Neil. It’s good.
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A new start in a new land. Nice piece!
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Lazy? Easy route? I don’t think so. Maybe it was easier for you to write than other things, because the theme is not new, but the way you did it certainly is, and it is very original. I absolutely loved how you included the cranes, painted the picture of notes and connected the music of the future to the person holding on to the last thing he has left from his past. I like this very much.
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Very good! I love the way a musician sees the old around him… Very sad end
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Very nice! I didn’t notice that the cranes and statue resemble musical notes. You’ve inserted something fresh and lyrical into the immigration story.
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Thanks, Jan
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Whether the story is old or not the telling is superb. The image of the cranes making musical notes on a stave is genius. I often use these 100 word challenges to experiment and see what works, if I’d come up with that I’d be well satisfied to the point of smug. I’d allow myself that little reward.
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Thanks, MIck
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I like how you’ve used the musical imagery, and I like how Pascal clutches his precious violin. His inability to recognise the ‘tune’ of the shapes he sees is indicative that he is dislocated, uncertain. Nice touches.
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Thanks, Margaret
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Love your first line! The emotions in this piece are really vivid.
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Thanks Emily
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I felt his sadness.
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Love your use of language in this story, adding lovely poetry to a heart-breaking choice many have had to make. I hope he gets to see his Elise again.
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I agree this story stands alone but is a great hook to a possible longer story. Good writing with layers not yet revealed. 🙂 — Suzanne
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Thanks Suzanne
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